Use As Directed

Alright. Back in the saddle after one of those weekends that just didn't go quite as planned.

First, I'd just like to point out that I'm not happy about having to miss Amber and Rich's Halloween party. But when duty calls, I must answer. It sucks sometimes having to go completely under the radar when the job calls for it, but a girl's gotta make a living.

So I duck out of society for a day to get some shit done for a client who runs a big club in town. The toughest task on the list? Finding 100 unique, Halloween-themed refrigerator magnets for the guests of his party. Some of the easy stuff? Two ounces of choice kind bud, a pair of authentic blue suede shoes, and ten of the prettiest party girls (complete with costumes) you've ever seen.

By the way, Minneapolis nightclub owners really do hire groups of beautiful women to stand around and look good; it's not just for L.A. and New York. I've been asked by this particular club owner to round up some ladies five times to date, so I'm able to assemble a super group of choice girls on 24-hours' notice now. They absolutely love me, too. I should work towards becoming the Heidi Fleiss of the Twin Cities or something.

Anyway, after I was done rounding up all that shit for my client, and setting up the party, and staying until the wee hours to make sure there were no snags on the front end, I decided to hop in my car and head out of town by myself. I checked into a Super 8 in Chisago County and collapsed almost immediately upon walking into my room. Oh, and I don't mean I fell asleep. I mean I collapsed because I fainted from exhaustion. I came to a minute later (I think) and drank a couple glasses of water. I flipped on HBO and fell asleep watching some Ashley Judd crime drama.

I woke up to the sound of a husky Honduran maid trying to get in past the little lever lock thing (what the hell are those called?). Apparently, they thought I was dead or something. I didn't even hear the phone ring when the front desk guy called to remind me that checkout was an hour ago. Needless to say, they weren't receptive to the idea of me staying another night, which was kinda the point of me going out of town. When things get too hectic in the city, I have to head out to the country for a day or two. Where the locals breathe a little slower (albeit through their mouths), where people aren't screaming through cell phone lines, and, even though it's a huge fucking inconvenience for a vegetarian, where the only meat-free item on the menu is the house salad. It's a weird sort of solace.

So I drove back home and settled for the artificial version. I popped a Xanax and turned off my ringer. I slept for nearly 17 hours, with the last 3 or 4 of them being that sweet in-and-out sleep, when you roll over and pet your cat and think about getting up, but close your eyes and just sink back in again.

I could be the only person I know who uses prescription drugs sparingly and as directed.