Half Past Maria

It's About That Time

Wednesday, April 18, 2007


All of my exes were either vegetarians already or became vegetarians during or after their relationship with me.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

White Man Ban

So I've noticed a bit of a problem now that I'm done with white boys (The White Man Ban, if you will).

Here in the land of milk and honey, there's an awful lot of Caucasian floating around. And not much sexual chocolate, Latin heat, or... whatever clever phrase you want to tag boys of the Asian persuasion.

Having sex with white men was like shooting fish in a barrel; they're everywhere and always eager to lay a brooding girl with long black hair and a wan complexion instead of the rosy-cheeked, bouncy blondes that account for 90% of a bar's clientele on any given night. But now my barrel is empty. It's so fucked up; I look right through them now like they're not even there. I'll scan the room for men of color and, if I don't see any, declare the place a bust and move on to the next bar.

I haven't been laid in two months, people.

This must be remedied. But how? I guess I just need to find the non-white boys, because they're not hanging out at my regular haunts. Where can a creamy sister find a nice brotha? Or a sweet Chicano with interests ranging beyond marriage and procreation? I've already had a couple of Southeast Asian guys -- come to think of it, they're some all-stars in my sexual hall of fame -- but I can't remember how I met them. Where do those boys hang?

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Over Them

I'm off of Midwestern white boys. I don't want to talk about it tonight, because it's way too late to go into all the bulletpoints of why I'm swearing them off, but I just wanted to announce it now.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Libra Woman

More from Sextrology: The Astrology of Sex and the Sexes:

Libra woman is the zodiac's activist: The most principled person on the astrological wheel, she can't separate herself from her aerial convictions. To her, the world requires a redesign, as it lacks the very ideals that she most urgently seeks to project... Of all women, Libra is most comely and fair--rarely one ever to be labeled sultry or even sexy--but on this score, and many others, Libra's looks can be deceiving. Prized for her demure charms, she may risk being objectified as ornamentation, classy arm candy used by men for their own validation or as a means of impressing others. Meanwhile, her own agenda in love is to fall in with a true friend and equal, a liberal freethinker who shares her infamous love of the arts and all things aesthetic, as well as her often radical political views and egalitarian visions.

... Here, in the sign of Scales, beauty, grace, and charm are elevated to the status of abstract principles. As such, Libra woman sees the world as a system of inherently divine order, a unified environment ruled by the cosmic law of cause and effect, wherein justice will, and indeed must, be done. In Lybian mythology it is the goddess Libera (Greek: Astroarche, Roman: Astraea), the Lady of the Scales, who enacts the equalizing effects of karma on the universe. And, anybody intimately acquainted with a Libra woman would readily agree that, when she walks into a room, one can't help but think: Here comes the judge... In her defense, Libra's intentions are typically for the democratic good, as least as she perceives it. Strictly speaking, no matter how tough a form or manner her proclamations take, this sharp-witted daughter of Venus acts out of love, albeit not as personal expression but rather as a universal prescript.

The sign of Libra is associated with the ages 42-49, the famed female prime of life, when a woman's focus shifts from childbearing to childrearing--bringing up, teaching, and preparing offspring for adulthood. Indeed, such an epoch is distinguished by the imparting of knowledge, the instilling of ideals, and the designing of future fates of those under one's protection. The literary character who has most poignantly immortalized this period of prime is Miss Jean Brodie--the name Jean means gracious and merciful, and Brodie is derived from broderie (embroidery), as the charismatic character is, like all Fate goddesses, a weaver of destinies. Throughout her life, Libra woman draws on this prime archetype, forever taking on the role of the freethinking, if not freewheeling, instructor who enlightens and empowers others, indeed casting her charges into such roles as she sees fit... Libra assigns everyone she meets with a purpose, particularly those individuals who might be of service to her, Still, she sees others in their best light--so much so that one is often hard-pressed to live up to her expectations. She may sometimes miss the mark, prejudging rashly, over- or underestimating one's talents or, one of her most notable flaws, failing to sniff out self-serving hidden agendas. So preoccupied is Libra with grand conceits, putting her beautiful all-seeing notions and ideals "out there", that she can be oblivious to the intricacies of life looming just under her nose.

Famous Libra women: Gwyneth Paltrow, Monica Bellucci, Rita Hayworth, Linda McCartney, Susan Anton, Sigourney Weaver, PJ Harvey, Ani DiFranco, Janeane Garafolo, Emily Post, Donna Karan, Barbara Walters, Annie Liebowitz, Mary McFadden, Anne Rice, Moon Zappa, Sarah Ferguson

Wednesday, February 14, 2007


You gotta love Maury for keepin' it real, even on Valentine's Day. Today's episode is a smorgasboard of paternity tests, lie detector tests, and cheating spouses caught on tape.

Okay, I realize that these people are, for the most part, desperate to just be on television, and not like the aforementioned Tyra and Montel guests of higher esteem. But isn't it kind of funny when they get booed as they come onstage?

So how have I spent this most special lovers' holiday? Getting a PAP. At least she was gentle.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

More Real Reality

Daytime TV is so awesome today. First, Tyra has a bunch of models on her show to talk about anorexia and eating disorders and how the typical model's image destroys teenage girls' self-esteems. Then Montel has people addicted to Vicodin, one of which is a lady who's already popped 20 by the time they started taping the show.

This stuff is the original reality TV, so everyone who looks down their nose on those of us that live for these talk shows can bite me. Keep your American Idol or Survivor or whatever. This stuff is ten times more real.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Decisions, Decisions

The cable company jacked up all their prices and, for some reason, Internet only now costs the exact same as Internet + Basic Cable. I suspect the jack-up in price is a ploy to get me to upgrade my Internet-only service by adding a few channels to my TV lineup, thereby making me hungry for more. Sure, I have TBS and I can watch all the Seinfeld and Friends reruns I want, but all my friends have Basic 2 Cable, which means they have Bravo and are watching The Real Housewives of Orange County.

"Oh, you haven't seen it? You gotta watch it. What do you mean you don't have Bravo? I thought you said you had cable."

I just can't justify the cost of going with Basic 2 Cable, though. It's like another $15.00 a month. However, I totally went for the Basic Cable trick (which is the same price as just Internet, remember) and had the cable guy over here a couple of days ago to install it. Amber and D were also here to help me kill time during the 3-hour appointment window.

So the guy gets here, does what he has to do, then passes me his phone number in the kitchen before he leaves. Why? He says he can come back in a few weeks and juice me up to Basic 2 Cable for free. But he has to wait a while, since the cable company comes out to follow up on installation appointments to, of course, make sure their guys aren't juicing up customers for free.

So here's the question: Do I call the guy in a couple of weeks?

It's certainly not an ethics issue; I don't give a God damn about the cable company not getting the extra $15.00 per month from me, especially after jacking prices up so much in the first place. My problem with calling the cable guy is that I totally wasn't attracted to him, and I don't want to do anything besides buy him a beer or two in exchange for his extra services. What if he takes a real shine to me? Not only does the guy know where I live, but he knows what kind of locks I have on the doors.