Three Strikes

When your list of hobbies includes bedding bartenders, you expect to get stood up once in a while.

Once in a while.

But three strikes and you're out, baby. I don't care how pretty you are.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with guys these days? Every goddamn one I know is caught between his instinctive urge to screw anything that moves and his emotional longing to shack up and find a bride before his 30th birthday. Like it's a shameful thing to be a bachelor in this town. Minneapolis is home to the most beautiful women in the country! Get out there and get laid, for chrissakes.

My boy du jour is having some sort of crisis over our sex-only relationship. Who cares if I don't want to have dinner first? That's fifty bucks he just saved. Who cares if I don't invite him out for drinks with my friends? My friends are boring. Who cares if I don't want to talk about my job? Trust me, he doesn't want to know some of the shit I do on a daily basis.

*drums fingers*

I'm bored. I need something to occupy my mind and body tonight.

Is That Bad?

Brief phone conversation between Eva and me tonight:

M: So I had an overnight guest Monday night.
E: Who was it?
M: Guess.
E: John.
M: No.
E: Alex.
M: No.
E: Chad.
M: No.
E: Jake.
M: No.
E: Brad.
M: Yep. Shit, is that bad that you had to go through five names?

Breaking Up

Has anyone else seen this show?

Breaking Up with Shannen Doherty

Man, I wish I could host a show like this. I'd be so damn good at it. "Hey, time for a reality check. Your relationship is going nowhere and you're better off alone."

It's only Wednesday and we already have a tie for my favorite Missed Connection post of the week:

to my excessively loud and randy neighbors

she is TOTALLY faking.

every time.

Hmm. Makes me wonder if I should apologize to my neighbors for the random bedroom activities that go on over here. Shit gets a little loud sometimes.

Lamplighter Lovely

I'm in love with a stripper......OK not really. I did see the most beautiful dancer tonight though. Here is a description: skinny blonde, two tattoo's (one on back, one one on shoulder), and a weird belly button ring. I know this probably describes half the dancers, but there were only a couple blondes working tonight.

I was the guy with a black stripped button-up shirt, who tried his hardest to look at your face when you danced. :) I know you caught me looking somewhere else a couple times. Anyway if you know a dancer at the Lamplighter who fits this description.........please pass this on to her.

I know it's a long shot I'll here from you, but I had to try.

Aww, he's got a crush on a stripper. How fucking cute. Gee, I bet that never happens to her.

Booty Text

Wow. It's amazing how a 3am booty text can turn into a 36-hour fuck fest.

I feel like I just dropped off the face of the earth for 2 days, not answering my phone or checking my email. It's a good thing I didn't have any work to do yesterday or today.

Shit, D... I'm sorry I haven't called you back yet. The past two weeks have been kinda crazy. When you get home, let's go out and get drinks. I went out with my girl Amber on Friday and we had a blast. If you're not too tired, the 3 of us should go round up some trouble this weekend. I know Amber will say "no boys allowed", but I'm not making any promises.

Anyway, I think my bed is broken now. If any handymen are reading this, please send me a text.

I Hate Sundays

It's true, I really hate Sundays.

Nothing to do but clean, do laundry, and catch up on correspondence. Ugh. Plus, the lamest DJs are always on the radio on Sundays. Why is that? (Of course, I type that just as Elliot Smith starts playing. But I'm sure the next song will completely suck and cancel that one out...

... Iron & Wine. I was right.)

Barely sixty degrees outside and I'm still line-drying my clothes. I have to fix this dryer situation. See, I have a refurbished laundromat dryer here in the basement. When I moved in, I didn't have to put quarters in to use it because my landlord had taken the quarter box off. However, at the start of summer, she decided to put the box back on, claiming that it was for "wear and tear" of the dryer.

I'd, of course, have no problem with this if it wasn't for the fact that I PAY THE UTILITIES.

So, because she's being cheap (and a little nefarious, no?), I have to pay double my laundry utility bills for the convenience of being able to do it at home. Lame.

I should probably just call Steve and have him rig something up for me. I'm sure he already has a stolen landromat key lying around his apartment somewhere. Not to mention the fact that he owes me a favor or two.

Stranger Friends

Well, if anyone knows how to grab someone's attention with a Craigslist Missed Connection, it's this girl:

My Litlle [sic] Sex Slave

I would like to get your email address Dave!! I had alot of fun at Bumpers.. The girls bathroom, the booth and my car. Very interesting man you are, crazy but interesting.. I likey.... Next time I will bring the handcuffs! :)

Maybe I should email her. It sounds like we could get into some trouble together.

Rule Number One

I called Jay around 11:00 last night, since we were supposed to meet up for a drink after his shift. All was well--I was on my way to our favorite rendezvous point--but then he called to say he had drama.

Fucking drama. Back it up two weeks:

So he hooked up with this girl from the bar. No big deal, right? Except it's his bar. The bar he drinks at nearly every night. (Also, technically my bar for the same reason.) He says the sex is killer, but things with her will never go anywhere. So when she calls and wants to do something other than fuck, Jay gives her some excuse why he can't, and then we go out drinking.

So guess where she showed up last night? That's right. She busted him sitting at the bar waiting for me.

Jay got an earful from me today. I guess I wasn't so much pissed about getting ditched, just disappointed in him for breaking Rule Number One: Don't ever mess with anyone at your bar.